Satire, real stories that should be satire, parody and art about politics and culture. Conservative.

Security guard stops kids from singing National Anthem at Twin Towers Memorial for not having permit

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Apparently they needed a permit….A PERMIT, to sing THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

Who does this? If I was the security guard I wouldn’t have “heard” the kids until after they were done. If someone told me to do my job I would gently let them know that’s exactly what I was doing.

They were close to being done when the jerk stopped them. Why bother?

h/t iOTWReport

This millennial dude says he gets his period every month, and I don’t mean punctuation…

in Real Stuff That Should Be Satire by

period-boy

From The Daily Wire (emphasis in bold added):

The “men” of the millennial generation have tried with all their might to kill off what’s left of masculinity, bringing us man buns, male feminists, gender neutral clothing and a slew of men made in the image of Pajama Boy. But it looks like one 22-year-old university student, George Fellowes, finally put the last nail in the manhood coffin: Fellowes swears he gets his period each month.

According to the BBC, Fellowes claims that he has been getting his period “without bleeding” for three years now. “He says he’s so close to his best friend and flatmate Amber-May Ellis that he gets cramps when she comes on each month.” This pathetic excuse of a man says he has even taken sick days because of his “period.” That he doesn’t have.

“I do think men can have periods without bleeding,” stated Fellowes.

The student explained his theory about syncing up to his flatmate’s uterus: “I think it’s a psychological thing because we’re so close, we feel the same emotions,” he said. “If you’re hanging out with someone and you’re really close, I think it’s only natural your hormones would sync up.”

Continuing, Fellowes said that the period symptoms set in “like clockwork every month.”

“I get pain in my lower abdomen and in the groin area. I get super moody, really erratic and angry with most of my friends,” he added.

More here

Um…isn’t this cultural appropriation? Or am I being sexist to think men can’t have periods. I can’t keep track of my leftist grievances.

Obama is set to become spokesman for his favorite brand of cigarette at the end of his presidency

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Reports that President Obama quit smoking after becoming president have been largely inaccurate. In fact, he is set to become a spokesman and celebrity endorser for his favorite brand of cigarettes. American Irony has obtained an advance copy of the first ad that will be run when his presidency ends in January of 2017.

marxboro

 

Hillary PAC is spending millions to troll people who criticize her on the internet

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hillary-stares-at-phone

From the Daily Beast with emphasis in bold being mine:

(A) pro-Hillary Clinton Super PAC is pledging to spend $1 million to “push back against” users on Twitter, Facebook, Reddit and Instagram.

Correct the Record’s “Barrier Breakers” project boasts in a press release that it has already “addressed more than 5,000 people that have personally attacked Hillary Clinton on Twitter.” The PAC released this on Thursday.

The PAC was created in May of last year when it was spun off from the American Bridge SuperPAC, which is run by longtime Hillary and Bill Clinton supporter David Brock. Brock also founded the left-wing media watchdog website Media Matters for America.

Some Bernie Sanders-supporting users on Reddit already started to notice the changes on Thursday afternoon.

“This explains why my inbox turned to cancer on Tuesday,” wrote user OKarizee. “Been a member of reddit for almost 4 years and never experienced anything like it. In fact, in all my years on the internet I’ve never experienced anything like it.”

Correct the Record, which has received $5 million this campaign season and has spent almost $4.5 million of it, according to OpenSecrets.org, outlined its strategy against “swarms of anonymous attackers” in a press release.

“While Hillary Clinton fights to break down barriers and bring America together, the Barrier Breakers 2016 digital task force will serve as a resource for supporters looking for positive content and push-back to share with their online progressive communities, as well as thanking prominent supporters and committed superdelegates on social media,” the statement read.

More here.

Let’s discard the spin and be honest. A liberal PAC is literally spending millions of dollars funding an operation run by internet tattletales.

That’s just hilarious.

Report: Treasury Department changes mind on 10-dollar bill, chooses another woman to replace Hamilton

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Following the announcement of Harriet Tubman becoming the new face of the 20 dollar bill the Treasury Department revived a plan to also replace Alexander Hamilton on the 10 dollar bill with another female pioneer in American History.

Glamour Woman of the Year award winner Caitlyn Jenner.

For the selection committee tasked with finding Hamilton’s replacement the decision to go with Jenner was an easy one.

“How many women in our country’s history win Olympic gold competing against men?” said Dane. “I mean, you’ve got to be really tough to do that, I heard she even lived like a man for decades in preparation for that competition. I could never do that,” said a spokesperson for the Treasury Department Carmella Dane. “And don’t even get me started on the fact he’s been a member of the Kardashian family. I mean, wow, putting her on the $10 bill is, like, the least we can do.”

Jenner was originally on the shortlist to be the new face of the $20. However, after a member of the selection committee Googled Jenner and found out she is transgender their view on the matter changed slightly.

“We realized it would make more sense to put her on the $10, mathematically speaking, if you catch my drift.” said Dane.

Below is a preliminary design for the new bill.

jenner-10

Communist Bernie Sanders gets kicked out of commune for not working…

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Does this surprise anyone? The whole appeal of armchair communism is the notion that you don’t have to actually do work if you don’t want to. Or that you can do whatever YOU want and others will pick up the slack, somehow. That’s why it sounds so plausible to left-leaning millennials who cling bitterly to their class envy and their safe spaces.

Look at this video of a Bernie supporter chose him because she thinks he’ll cancel out her $226K student debt to be a speech pathologist (as opposed to surgeon, or rocket scientist) one way or another. Translation spending the money on HER education was her part, and ponying up to pay the bill is now OUR part. And that’s perfection, because they fit together like two pieces of a two-piece jigsaw puzzle.

Given all of that it should be no surprise that when an armchair communist goes to an actual commune he gets kicked out for not wanting to work…it’s a great piece of an origin story for someone who is a socialist superhero to people whose perspective of the world is one that is viewed through a mirror.

From The Washington Free Beacon:

Bernie Sanders was asked to leave a hippie commune in 1971 for “sitting around and talking” about politics instead of working, according to a forthcoming book.

We Are As Gods by Kate Daloz, scheduled for release April 26, chronicles the rise and fall of the Myrtle Hill Farm in northeast Vermont. Daloz, a Brooklyn writer, was in a special position to write a history of Myrtle Hill: she was raised near the commune in a geodesic dome residence with an outhouse called the Richard M. Nixon Memorial Hall. Her parents were close acquaintances of the commune residents, who offered them tips about wilderness living.

In the summer of 1971, Myrtle Hill received a visitor: Bernie Sanders, age 30, at the cusp of his political career with the socialist Liberty Union Party.

Sanders came to the farm while researching an article on natural childbirth for the Liberty Union’s party organ, Movement…

When not reporting on the miracle of life, Sanders spent his time at Myrtle Hill in “endless political discussion,” according to Deloz.

Sanders’ idle chatter did not endear him with some of the commune’s residents, who did the backbreaking labor of running the place. Daloz writes that one resident, Craig, “resented feeling like he had to pull others out of Bernie’s orbit if any work was going to get accomplished that day.”

Sanders was eventually asked to leave. “When Bernie had stayed for Myrtle’s allotted three days, Craig politely requested that he move on,” Daloz writes.

Read the entire article here.

Another Whole Foods accused of putting a hateful three-letter slur that starts with “G” on a cake

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A San Francisco bay area resident is accusing the bakery staff at the local Whole Foods of adding an “extremely offensive” three-letter slur that starts with a “G” to a cake custom cake ordered at the store.

The cake in question was commissioned to say “Love Wins” at the top, but upon receipt of the cake Gianny Limpschtick claims that someone at the Whole Foods wrote “GOP” below.

love-wins-gop

“I can’t even say look at it much less say it,” said Limpschtick. “I’m not only upset because the cake has been ruined, but San Francisco is a safe space, and that has been violated in an unspeakable way.”

Republicans San Francisco make up less than 10% of the population, with many living out their lives in secret for fear being branded will invite hate and vitriol from normal San Franciscans.

“I was walking down the street with this cake and was almost home, luckily I noticed before anyone else could see and covered it with up, partly with my jacket and partly with my shame,” said Limpschtick, who is now suing Whole Foods for the cost of the cake plus the equivalent of two months of full-time pay at the San Francisco minimum wage, $150,000.

California Attorney General Kamala Harris has opened up an investigation into whether or not a hate crime was committed. The Whole Foods in question vehemently denies responsibility for the act, adding the company has a very strict policy against its employees committing hate crimes that includes termination of employment and relocating offenders to Alabama.

Transgender woman sues government to force installation of urinals in womens bathrooms

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trans-urinal

Citing “genitalia discrimination,” a transgender woman is suing the government to write regulation requiring the installation of urinals in women’s bathrooms.

“I want to have the right to use the bathroom for the gender I identify with,” said the woman who asked to go by the name Venus.

“It’s really very simple. I may or may not go through with the operation. If I choose not to I shouldn’t have to spent the rest of my life feeling like bathrooms can’t be a safe space for me because I have to sit down when I could just whip it out and then be on my way.”

Addressing concerns that it might make other women uncomfortable Venus continued, “Do handicapped parking spaces make them feel uncomfortable too? Sure, we all want the closer spot, but they have special circumstances that call on us to make their lives easier. I’m just saying some transgender women should have the same consideration. It wouldn’t be that hard, just take out the tampon dispenser and put one there”

When asked why she couldn’t just urinate while standing in one of the stalls Venus replied, “That’s the type of transphobic bull***t I’ve been fighting against my entire life. If you got it, flaunt it. Don’t put it in a cage, and don’t make it wait in line at the club with all the other ladies waiting to use a stall. I just want to get in and out, because time is money and my drinks don’t buy themselves. Drunk, imperceptive men do.”

Attorneys for Transgender Humans United for Gender Silliness (THUGS) has taken on Venus’s case pro bono. A source from the government speaking under condition of anonymity said the government would be willing to make the accommodation if there could be accompanying regulation that required one stall in the mens room to be for sitting only.

Vice President Biden learns the disappointing truth about superdelegates

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biden-hillary-clinton-super-delegates

Vice President Biden is pictured above reacting to the revelation by Hillary Clinton that the Democratic Party’s super-delegates are, unlike them, just regular old human beings.

While agreeing that their sole purpose for existing is to heroically protect her from losing the nomination, super-delegates do not, in fact, have super-powers such as: Tax-ray vision, mainstream media invisibility, abortion claws, a magic red tape lasso, debt deflectors, terrorist noise cancelers, tyranny empathizers, and a logic shield made out of laminated race cards.

Clinton then went on to clarify that any Democrat has all of those things, but they are actually perks and side effects, not superpowers.

Teacher eats students’ ice cream in attempt to teach them about taxes, suffers “extreme” brain freeze

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In an effort to teach his students more about how taxation works an economics teacher served his students bowls of ice cream in class, and then proceeded to swallow whole almost half of the scoops, on average.

The lesson took its toll as school administrators say the teacher, Joe Stollin, experienced a paralyzing “brain freeze” after the demonstration of how progressive taxation works.

“He brought out the ice cream and we all started getting excited,” said student Connie Munism. “We had no idea what would happen next.”

According to the school’s incident report Mr. Stollin reportedly determined how much ice cream he would gobble up by how much body fat the student had. The rationale being that the overweight students were clearly doing better than students with lower weight, therefore they could “afford” to give up more of their ice cream.

“It was so gross,” said Sasha Lism, who was, by consensus, considered the thinnest member of the class. “Mr. Stollin decided I was too thin to have any ice cream taken away so he took a bite out of one of the overweight kids and spit it up on top of my scoop. I didn’t even want it after that, and the other students told me I was being stupid to turn down free ice cream just because it was substandard.”

It was at that point Stollin collapsed to the ground. Students say his head was cold to touch. When he came to he was put on administrative leave for lying about a pledge he took as a condition of employment to be a “good Democrat.”

“Sure, he was saying and doing the “right” things, but if Mr. Stollin suffered brain freeze then it clear that he can’t be anything but a right-winger,” said the schools principal. “Other than logic and reason, liberals are very much immune to suffering pain in organs we don’t even have.”

Corrective action being taken by the school includes reeducating the students to understand the ideal that in a real-life tax system they would be receiving rich people’s money, and a vote for Republicans means a voting to be paid in ice cream.

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